It’s a truth so ingrained in our DNA, it affects our everyday lives. Men and women plain old think differently. There are daily occurrences where couples may look at a topic and have completely different interpretations or perspectives. Does this hold true when it comes to dating on a budget?
So, why not do a little thought experiment?? Learning to date on a budget is important to our success as a couple and setting ourselves up for a financially stable future (#Retire50). We each provided our perspective across three frugal dating topics. Let’s see who you relate to most!
First Date
His Perspective
Do:
- Pick locations you can afford
- Craft a date that gives an out at different time intervals
Don’t:
- Let your date pick the location
First dates are such a mix of emotions. Filled with excitement and angst as you embark on this unknown adventure. What do you talk about? Did you iron your shirt well enough to convince her you deserved to make it out of adolescence? Will there be sparks or will things be awkward? Each of these emotions is what makes first dates such fun! That feeling you get inside when she laughs at your corny jokes or you manage to both like the same sports team. That is how relationships are started.
The one thing I never want to be a mystery is what my budget for the date is. In today’s dating app age, some people may be serial daters, going on multiple dates per week. That gets expensive quickly, especially if you live in an expensive city. Being that it is the first date with so many unknowns, I always wanted to try and be in control of as much of the experience as I could. The first way I did this was to suggest the location of our first date. Not only did this show some initiative, but it also allowed me to pick locations that I knew I could afford.
One time, when new to San Francisco, I let my date pick the location. Talk about a mistake! I ended up at a restaurant where I couldn’t afford the kids pasta, let alone a meal for two wine drinks. I sucked it up, bought the cheapest thing on the menu and we never went on another date.
Her Perspective
Do:
- Keep it casual
- Keep it going if it’s fun
- Kiss if you want to
- Offer to split the check
Don’t:
- Commit upfront to a long time period
- Overthink everything
- Act like someone you’re not
- Expect a fancy and expensive date
Living in San Francisco, the city of introverts and technology, it felt like the only way to meet someone was on a dating app. That was a world of stress given the superficial nature of swiping and matching based on a few photos and a witty bio. First dates already cause a turbulence of mixed emotions, but then add in a flurry of dating-app-first dates that force a contrived date between two strangers and geez it’s stressful.
When it came to the first date, I had zero expectations on the location of the date, and even hoped for something very low key. I didn’t want the added pressure of a fancy first date, because it’s hard to let my walls down and there are also, ahem, certain pressures after a fancy date. At the end of the date, I always offered to split the bill (more on this in a moment).
I was a huge fan of grabbing drinks after work or coffee during the weekend. As a major bonus to grabbing drinks or something more casual, if it’s going well, it’s super easy to continue the night together with dinner or another activity. On the flip side, if it’s not going well, you’re not committed to a 5-hour date and you can bounce when you want to leave. Yes, that meant no hikes for me on the first date. Maybe the second or third.
I enjoyed casual places because I could easily drop my walls and be myself. You get what you see, and if you like it, great, and if you don’t like it, then it’s not going to work out.
Picking up a Tab
His Perspective
Do:
- If you ask her out, you pick up the initial tab
- Communicate with your partner around financial dating habits
Don’t:
- Feel pressured to pick up every tab, every time
The historical expectation for men is to treat your date when you go out. Having grown up in a single-earner household and with a mom that taught me manners, I always put undue pressure on myself to pick up the check. However, as I always mentioned, dating can be expensive if you are going out to restaurants, bars or entertainment. While the need for men to foot the bill makes sense in a society where only men are earning money, in today’s age that just isn’t the case. In many situations, my date was out-earning me by a longshot, especially early in my career. In this case, is it fair that I should have to pick up the tab? I would argue not in every situation.
On first dates, having picked the location (as mentioned above), I always felt comfortable with the costs and would always pick up the check on first dates. If we went to multiple spots, I would happily let my date pick up a round of drinks or ice cream on subsequent spots.
After dating a fair bit whether on early dates or in a committed relationship, I found that it was an undue burden on my personal finances to pay for everything, every time we went out. I would come to resent my partner or going on dates in general.
I quickly learned that communication is the key to a successful financial relationship and that starts early in a relationship. In most cases, Kaity and I split our expenditures. I still like to pick my moments where I take her out for date night and treat her. However, she is great about doing the same thing for me. I have a great respect for her initiative in doing this and it makes us both look forward to date night. When one of us treats the other, it carries more weight and is never taken for granted.
Her Perspective
Do:
- Always offer to split the check (and mean it)
- Switch between who asks who out on a date, and who pays
- Be aware of potential salary differences
Don’t:
- Always do dinner and drinks. Hikes, urban walks, bike rides are great.
- Spend money to show off
It’s a bit old school, but I found it really attractive when the guy picked up the tab. It was kind of a buzzkill to split the bill if we’re getting a drink. I’m sure many guys at this point are rolling their eyes. Can’t help it, it’s just how I honestly felt…but just for the first date.
I take pride in my independence and the fact that I work hard to support myself. After the first date, it was extremely important to my sense of independence that I don’t let the guy cover me every time we went out. This also removed the uncomfortable tension where the guy doesn’t want to go on dates because it becomes super expensive (especially in San Francisco).
When Matt and I started dating, I really liked to ask him out on dates as often as he asked me out on dates. My internal rule of thumb was, if I asked him out, I would cover the bill. It meant a lot to show that I was equally invested.
Some people might have very different salaries than their partner, so being open to a variety of different dates.
Knowing When to Splurge
His Perspective
Do:
- Pick special occasions to spend more on a date
- Get creative and enjoy free dates
Don’t:
- Go out to restaurants or bars for every date
It’s been said twice already, but it’s worth repeating…dating is expensive! However, it doesn’t always have to be expensive and there is a simple solution. If going out to restaurants, bars, and shows is expensive, just find other things to do together.
Some of our most fun dates were cooking at home, going on a picnic, or taking the dogs on a hike. Dating on a budget is only limited by your imagination and creativity. Kaity and I often challenge each other to come up with our next date and then keep it a secret to create fun suspense.
Dating frugally the majority of the time allows you to splurge once in a while on a guiltless, unique date experience. Early on in our relationship, Kaity surprised me by taking me to the Museum of Ice Cream. If you know me even slightly, you know I love ice cream! This date meant the world to me, because she planned ahead, picked something she knew I would love, and treated me to a fun date and ice cream. Picking the appropriate times to splurge on an expensive date creates more impact and makes it so in the long-run dating is more affordable.
Her Perspective
Do:
- Have fun with big dates within reason
- Stay within budgets
- Be open
Don’t:
- Be offended if your person says no to an expensive date
- Spend a lot on every date
- Let the honeymoon phase overshadow your budget
- Correlate money spent with how much you/they care
When you start going on regular dates with your person, it’s really fun to commit to big dates, like a concert or trip. But boy does that add up. It’s great to start steady dates with your person, but it’s super important to set a solid foundation of spending habits together. The honeymoon phase makes it too easy to brush off the checks that add up.
Enjoy a big date, but limit them to once a month (or whatever is within both of your budgets). How much you spend is ZERO indication of how much you care for the other person. It’s simply a tool that lets you two do different activities together. Be open with the other person from the beginning, and if it’s out of budget, feel comfortable saying something. No, you don’t need to do a deep dive into each other’s financials, but come up with alternatives that are more do-able. At the end of the day, if they want to spend time with you, they will. If they don’t want to adapt, they aren’t making room for you in their life and probably aren’t worth your time.
The Results Are In
After reading through our little thought experiment, we each bring a different perspective to each aspect of dating on a budget, but our overall approaches to dating are aligned. Knowing each other, this isn’t totally surprising and you would hope to be mostly aligned with a serious partner.
Run this experiment with your partner and be open to each other’s perspective. If you’re aligned, that is great! If you’re not quite aligned, this is a great opener to an honest conversation. There is always a compromise that can be made, and dating frugally is an easy one. At the end of the day, dating is about spending time together and getting to know each other better. It is not about how much money you can spend to impress each other or feed your own ego.
The “shelter-in-place” restrictions due to the Covid-19 pandemic is actually a great opportunity to be creative and have fun with your dates. We’ve outlined 25 Creative Quarantine Date Ideas to give you some fun at-home dating ideas to test out now or when the world goes back to some form of normalcy.
Check out additional topics to make personal finance SLIGHTLY EDUCATIONAL on our Personal Finance page.
Keep tabs on all of our wedding challenges and learnings as we near our October 2020 wedding at our Getting Married course page.
